Another change of Attitude

Wednesday November 4, 2009:
Was verbally chastised by my supervisor, Linda Aiken, for falling behind on my workload. Allot was involved in the conversation, but I felt that I was thrown under a bus.....I left so hurt and feeling so unsupported that I truly felt that it might be time to separate myself from my current employment. I was so frustrated that I honestly did not want to go to my Elder's Quorum Presidency Meeting. Got home just as Milo Bushman and Kevin Earl arrived. I was running so late that I was able to kiss my wife, greet and embrace my children, and inhale a single slice of pizza as all three of us headed out the door. Feeling rushed, I again experience a deep feeling of not wanting to be going out with the Presidency. Once again, as soon as the invocation began, rage and hostility were instantly replaced with serenity and peace. We went out to invite folks to our ward conference set for 11/8/09. We stopped at Jeff Smith's, Jim Reed's, Mickell Sumerau's, Anthony Mylones, and a few other's. By the end of the night I was able to recognize and articulate just how grateful I was for being able to go out and serve with the Presidency that night. Serving others is always a fountain of strength for me. I am glad I went.......

The story thus far

Well.....I thought when I opened this blog as more of my personal online journal, that I miraculously would become more consistent in documenting the events of my mortal probation.......Alas, as with so many other projects I've started, maintaining this has been far more difficult than originally anticipated........So, here's a brief overview of what I've missed.......


On Saturday October 24, 2009 took my daughter, Katie, with me to coats for kids......only to realize that they had opened 3 hours earlier than advertised and essentially all the quality winter gear and accessories had been taken. At the very least, I got to see Katie have a good time trying on all the winter hats and giggling, until settling on a pink fleece beanie cap with some tassels and a chin strap that tied underneath. Watching her somehow eased the frustration of arriving to what I thought was being on time, to find out that the rules had changed and the games was almost over. At it's most basic level, I'm glad that she found a cap that she liked....and later a small pink jacket, because I felt victorious and slightly vindicated by taking home some minor spoils of war.......didn't feel like a complete waste of time that way. Took Katie to grandma's house and then headed off to help clean the church. I vacuumed a bit, got a few ringtones for my cell phone from Devon Carroll, and talked to my home teaching companion Detrick Cornelson about his upcoming move on October 29, 2009 to Arizona and going home teaching on 10/25/09. Can't remember anything else exciting or note worthy that occurred so I'll stop it there.


Sunday October 25, 2009.....Woke up and started the day like any other. Jon, my son, arose in pretty content spirits. My daughter, Katie, arose as she does most mornings, as if she was somehow channeling the spirit of an ancient tyrannical carnivore that dominated the planet billions of years ago. So, needless to say she was in good spirits that morning. It wasn't long before I felt like I had, emotionally, gone 12 rounds with the Super Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World.......dealing with my child often leaves me feeling wiped out and a bit perturbed as I head off to various church leadership meetings. Since like September 2008 I have been called to serve as the Elder's Quorum President for the Moses Lake 5th Ward. It has been extremely difficult, often pushing me beyond my limits, but has been the most rewarding calling I've ever had. So, having left my home in a hailstorm of frustration, anxiety, and in just a general snit....I arrived at my meeting. I can't remember what was said, but as soon as the opening prayer was said, something clicked inside and all the anger simply vanished....in reality, it was more like the negative emotions I had at the time were simple exchanged for a satisfying sense peace that made what I was feeling unnecessary. That is what tells me that there is a God.....no one can ever convince me otherwise....Had a peaceful church experience.....it turned out to be a great day........but I guess it's a matter of perspective. Went home teaching for the last time with Detrick Cornelson. Went to Chad Braak, Scott Weech, John Latham, Joe Florea, tried to find Larry Bronson (whose girlfriend kicked him out), Anthony and Nancy Milonaes, and Olivia Jensen.....it may seem like we taught allot of people, but we actually only invited them to our ward trunk' or treat and family movie activity on Halloween 10/31/09. I was tempted to only name all the people contacted and not leave any clarifying statements......that way it would look like I was an impressive home teacher.....but the truth is I struggle like everyone else with it. Finished the night talking to Detrick about his upcoming move and his fear/realization that for the first time in his whole life he would have to stop making excuses, stop living so dependently on others, and become his own man. (These were actually Detrick's words and not my personal interpretation of his circumstances) It was an interesting conversation that left me feeling like I should have been closer to my home teaching companion and cultivated that relationship more. I don't feel like I really ever knew him. Consequently I realize now that there were many times that he needed a friend and I was too oblivious to recognize his desire for some fellowship.......I hope I'm more attuned in the future or at least far less selective about the promptings to which I choose to listen.


Work week stressful and not as rewarding as I would hope....has its moments. I recently received a number of new cases and was covering for my office mate/work buddy who was out on medical leave. I have been so backed up and overwhelmed that it has taken its toll on my job performance. Anyhow, other than a mild depression....all's well on the home front......


Wednesday October 28, 2009:
Stressful work day. Kevin was in Hawaii on vacation, so Milo and I said that we would hold a presidency meeting on Saturday October 31, 2009 as we set up for our family movie activity. Something told me I should have just done a meeting tonight......


Thursday October 29, 2009:
Only highlight, went down to the Eagles club to a Halloween party with my mother, sister, niece, nephew, cousins, Sharon, and the kids. Was enjoyable.....Katie aquired a little boyfriend that she dragged around holding hands with the entire time...Sharon and I danced, and the kids did a number of activities. All in all a really good time. I even got in a couple of Karaoke numbers in myself.



Friday October 30 2009:
I wore a blond wing to work as a gag for Halloween.....some people actually said I looked better with hair......most just poke fun. We later took the kids trick or treating around the office. Jon was a giant Koala and Katie was fairy princes ballerina......I hope she grows out of that phase. Okay enough for now.


Saturday October 31 2009:
Halloween. Spent most of the day preparing for the Elder's Quorum family activity......Movie night.....showed Ice Age 3.....was great after the trunk' or treat. I was stressful setting up alone. The kids were unruly and getting in the way. It was hard to involve them in assisting me while I set up the projector, bed sheet screen, and sound system. Milo Bushman called me and said that he couldn't come and help set up because one of his children were ill. Kevin Early was in Hawaii.....I hate doing activities without assistance. I really missed Ty Robbins, my former first counselor....he was always reliable and was a tremendous example of support and dedication to ones callings.
It was a fun event. 37 people and children. The Rockne's came and we sat by them and talked a bit. I feel very comfortable with them........turned out to be a great day......plus it was an added treat being able to raid my children's Halloween candy.......Kit Kat and Snicker's bars.....I'm completely addicted......Crunch bars too......

It just keeps getting better.....

Thursday Oct. 22, 2009.

I will probably not say much about my job with the Department of Children and Family Services in this.....what I have come to think of as my on-line cyber journal.....because rather than speak of what I do as a Child Welfare Social Worker, I'd rather speak to what I have learned from. I learn alot from my work, but derive little enjoyment from it. It is the greatest blessing in an unstable economic climate to have gainful employment....for that I am completely grateful.....but truth be told.....I'm not a big fan......


So my entry begins having passed through another barrage of character building and learning experiences at the old grind stone. At the days end, I found myself and my trusted Chevy stead....affectionately known as the Banana Boat.....(I'll think of something more masculine in a later entry)....in the service of Andrew Rockne. Bob Johnson and I met Andrew at the trailer of dread and woe to pick up the last of his earthy possessions. When we arrived at Baker's, unloaded the remaining items in the "Boat's" bed, we decided to deliberate and debrief the course of events of the past couple days. Bob and I spoke about our conversion process and how Satan comes at you sideways as soon as any initiative is taken to get active and improve your spiritual circumstances. However, despite what he throws at you, the Gospel is a sure foundation that can provide some stability admit the chaos of life. We talked about how trials never go away with increase closeness to the Father and the Savior, in fact they often multiply, but the Spirit will provide a change of heart, attitude, desire, and perspective that will not only provide the strength to overcome our trials, but to discover happiness from because of them.

The conversation culminated when I asked Andrew how he felt despite everything. His reply was simple but magnificent. With true sincerity, Andrew's head raised a bit, his eyes opened wider, and in a direct and plain statement of faith he confessed....."I feel JOY"........

To follow up I said...."Now how can that be......your were just evicted....your diabetes is slowly killing you.....and you are going through one of the most miserable times of your life......but you are honestly going to tell me that you are experiencing joy right now....". "And really loved" he interjected, as if adding punctuation to my statement. I then bore witness to the divinity of Jesus Christ and the reality of his Gospel and the real...tangible peace that comes from giving your whole heart to it. Bob's comments and additional testimony was the frosting on the whole experience. We challenged Andrew to pray at least on time per day with his family and see if a change comes over them. Bob also invited him to pray in that moment and in the quiet of the night, in front of Baker's garage, with only the soft glow of an open car door for light, Andrew offered his thanks to God for the blessings that he had receive amidst all his challenges. It was another touching moment. Again I was glad I could see it happen.

Now if anyone thinks this is simply an exaggeration or I am maintaining that I have experiences like this all the time....I just want to reassure you that I have been having a really good week.....and this many positive spiritual experiences at one time is not something I am accustomed to having.

The Exodus.....

Wednesday Oct. 21, 2009.

While at work I received a call from Bishop Redford....my newly discovered comrade, Andrew Rockne, had a disagreement with his landlord and was evicted. I was able to muddle through my day and get myself with my monstrous, lemon yellow, run down Chevy Silverado to the trailer that was the former residence of my friend. Arriving on the seen just a few minutes later than our scheduled work party rendezvous, I was taken back by the caravan of pickup trucks and priesthood holders that where already present, sleeves rolled up, and having most of the single wide packed up. As shelving, bed sets, and belongings of all sorts made their way into the backs of the various truck beds, I approached Andrew who was out front of the trailer. As I spoke with him, people passing behind us with assorted items, the headlights from a nearby pickup illuminated the shame, embarrassment, and the heartache that was splashed across his face. In my infinite wisdom, I asked him how he was doing. The response started with a slight tremble, that grew into a quiver, and then his entire frame heaved in shear despair as the sobs turned to weeping and the weeping cascaded into bitter tears. He told me of how his landlord refused to make even the most minor of repairs that were required to make the place livable. While explaining that refusing to pay rent as a right for not having the property adequately maintained, Andrew wept harder as he spoke of the threats and the rejection that followed. Honestly, I have been faced with similar displays of emotions in the course of my coming and goings, but seeing my friend in true agony of soul in that moment made me inexplicably uncomfortable. Out of complete awkwardness, I threw my arms around him in an effort to comfort him. He cried even harder, then simply said...."I'm scared....what will people think". In that moment, I search within the deepest recesses of my feeble mind to come up with the right words to say. I opened my mouth, hoping that something inspiring might flow out.....but the only thing I could say it...."That's why we are here....to help....that's what the church does......if these folks didn't care.....they wouldn't have come". He finally chucked and seemed to perk up a bit when I said...."Don't sweat it.....will kill your landlord later".....(I would never really do that.....in case you were wondering.....but I did give the missionaries the order to go visit him daily).

So the point of this entry is show something that I perceived to be nothing short of a miracle. A body of people who hardly knew this man, dropped everything in a moments notice to come to the aid of a brother in distress. But the real miracle came little by little as I saw Andrew come from a place of sorrow to an appearance of true joy. Every person that removed a piece of furniture, a washer/dryer, some clothing, or nick knack from that dilapidated coffin of dwelling ....seemed to take a minuscule portion of Andrew's anxiety with it. Until, at the last perfect moment when all was removed and the final items were unloaded at Leon Baker's garage, that a feeling of being loved and protected had replaced any fear. It was amazing. As I later visited the Rockne family at the Sage and Sun Motel....I was greeted with hugs and heartfelt gratitude. I saw a family that was still unsure about what the future would present, but a comfort and a quiet peace swept over all of us as Andrew spoke about how his embarrassment turned to feelings of being genuinely loved by a group of strangers brought together only by their fellowship in the Gospel. I received a first hand witness that the Spirit is the comforter and that a small group of saints engaged in a righteous cause has power to impact the hearts of men. I'm grateful I could be apart of it.

.......Not to mention Andrew and his family are wicked awesome.....

Continued

Monday Oct. 19, 2009.....Mediocre work day.....Bob and Alisa Johnson came over. We discussed how the gospel does not promise that trials and suffering will not occur, but that it provides peace and joy admits our trials and supplies the strength and patient attitude required to overcome our sorrows. It was a perfect end to the day.

Tuesday Oct 20, 2009.....Another less than rewarding day at work followed by a chastisement from my supervisor about some complaints by the clerical staff. Consequently, I was enraged and in a genuine snit. I went home and the anger continued, even until the time that Kevin Earl called and requested a blessing for his wife. I was in no mode to serve in such a capacity, so I resigned myself to call others who could complete the request. I called 9 people and left voice messages. The 8th of which, Bob Johnson, called me back and insisted that I come pick him up as he was just heading home from work. I pick Bob up about 6:30 pm in my 1979 yellow Chevy Pickup. I was still upset as I listen to Bob's commentaries of how his recent temple experience had drastically improved his spirituality and feelings of closeness to the Spirit. I could help but feel happy for my friend as I saw the genuine joy and sincerity in his countenance. We arrived at the Earl's, and although I had felt better, I was in no condition to receive inspiration from the Spirit at that time. Fortunately, I had the where withal to instruct Bob on the particulars of completing the priesthood ordinance. We arrived to find Sister Karen Earl gravely ill from strep throat and an ear infection. I anointed and Bob sealed, also accompanying with it his first priesthood blessing. It was amazing and the warm of the Spirit seemed to sweep over all that we present. As we concluded the blessing, all animosity in my heart had given way to the enticing stillness that the Spirit had been trying for several hours to get me to give in to. I was a peace and Sister Earl instantly seemed to perk up and regain some strength. As we drove home an debriefed, Bob spoke of how he felt the Spirit was more of a constant companion and that he was striving to be more obedient to its promptings. He said he felt inspired to call me back and knew that it was not idle chit chat that I sought, but was church business that needed to be addressed. He said that it was a miracle that he was getting off early and only worked a four hour shift instead of his normal eight hours.....this was the only time he was available. I thanked him for yielding to the impressions of the Holy Ghost, for if he hadn't, Satan would have robbed me from a fantastic opportunity to assist Bob as a priesthood leader and magnify my calling by teaching him how to effect a priesthood blessing. Thus allowing him the ability to bless the lives of his wife, family, friends, and fellow church members. I'm grateful that the Spirit did not give up on me and increased my faith through that experience......as facilitated by Bob Johnson's faithful response to the whisperings of the still small voice.

A week to remember........

On Sunday Oct. 18, 2009.....Sharon and I got home from staying the night in Richland, after witnessing the Johnson's sealing. We arrived in town just in time for PEC meeting. The Bishop talked about his meeting with Elder Bednar. He said that Elder Bednar's counsel was to "be good boys and do what we are supposed to". The Bishop also reported that we need to spend more time focusing on the thoughts that the Spirit prompts and not just all the things that we are hearing or being concerned about taking notes regarding every spiritual thing to which we are listening. He also said that revelation was not so much like turning on a light switch, but was in fact like watching the sunrise, happening gradually over time until the fullness of the awakening occurs. The Bishop also discussed what it is to truly understand the nature of our callings in the church. Upon the request of the Bishop, I related an experience that I had with Brothers Bill Waites and Eric Stones. Weeks earlier, I was complaining to them about the frustrations that I felt were associated with being the Elder's Quorum President and seeing very little fruits from our efforts in the Moses Lake 5th ward. I related to being a farmer that prepares the land, plants the seeds, time after time, season after season, but is unable to yield a crop when it comes time to harvest. Brother Waites eventually stated that the does not think in mortal terms, so he has only called me to farm......not to harvest. Bill counseled that I should just keep farming and sowing and the Lord would do the harvesting on His time. I will forever be grateful to Bill Waites for assisting me in realizing just what is the true nature of my calling and commission. It was a good sabbath. Kevin Earl taught from lesson 44 of the Joseph Smith manual.

Cale's Big Adventure Oct. 17, 2009

I don't usually do this sort of thing, but I've come to realize that if I don't do something, there is no way that I'm ever going to maintain a journal. Oct 17, 2009 was an incredible day for me. My wife and I had the opportunity to see Bob and Alisa Johnson get sealed for time and all eternity in the Columbia River temple. Sharon and I went over the night before and stayed in the Days Inn in Richland, WA. Bob and Alisa stayed in the same motel. At 10 pm we all went out to eat at Applebee's and had a wonderful time talking about whatever topic that came up. We were there til midnight and then moved on to a WinCo foods to get a couple of things. I recently developed a fetish and fascination with Hot Wheels cars and picked up a few while we were there. Honestly, it was heart warming seeing how the Johnson's expressed how nervous they were about entering the temple for the first time. It was difficult sleeping that night due to the anticipation of what the next day would hold for our friends. The next morning came pretty quick and at 6:30 am we were on the road to the temple. Still dark as twilight approached, an amazing feeling of warm swept over as the softly illuminate spire of the temple came into view and enlarged with every passing revolution of the car tires. I have served in the temple numerous times before, but that day there was a new excitement in the air. It was like I was experiencing the joys and anticipation of the temple experience for the first time. We watched Bob and Alisa as they timidly, yet gleefully, approached the ornate doors that were the entrance to the house of the Lord. As we presented our recommends, met with the temple patrons, entered the dressing room, changed into our white clothing, traveled through the halls of that sacred sanctuary of the saints, and met with the Temple President.......something inside whispered that this would be a day to remember. The words of the temple president are all a blur, but the feeling of inexplicable solace pierced my heart and witness to the divine reality of what this would mean for the Johnson's. It's easy to appear as an embellishment, but for some reason the strength of the Spirit bore testimony with such convincing power as to remove any doubt that the temple is what we profess it to be. So, I did my best to escort Bob through the session and was filed with awe and wonder as I saw my friends and family enjoying the brilliance of our final destination at the session's completion. I stood with Bob, Les Michie, Jerry Harrid and our wives as we discussed temple symbolisms and the insights that we gained from the day's session. We were there conversing, meditating, and praying for almost 45 minutes in the Celestial room. That was the longest and most significant amount of time that I have ever spent there. The experience was something that simply defies description. Once another wedding party cleared out, we were all off to the sealing room. Bob honored me by asking if I would be a witness for the sealing. It really meant allot to me as I firmly grabbed hold of the pen that I used to sign my name to the document that was certifying that actualization of this saving ordinance. As the sealer spoke of the reality of the atonement of Jesus Christ and the importance of becoming a joint ere of everything the Father has with Christ through the ordinances of the temple, tears welled up and streamed down my face as a confirmation of the truth of his witness. As he explained that the Father will to give us everything he has if we but give everything we have (albeit nothing in comparison), the stream of tears became a little wider as my capacity to feel joy in that moment increased. And as he confessed that the Savior holds us in a sure place within the outreached grasp of the Father, I looked over at my wife and knew, just knew, that it was all real....all of it. I am thankful for what Bob and Alisa gave me that day, a closeness to the Spirit of the Lord that has been absent for quite some time. As we went about our day, eating at Red Robin, shopping at Best Buy and Target, and eventually finding our way home.......not before Sharon and I spent an hour in a Big Lot when half the city blacked out....(funny story I'll have to document later)..........the world just seemed a little different. Anyhow.....this was for me to write, so if you made it this far through the story, then thanks for reading and I hope you got something out of it........ More Later, Cale Merkley